Something hasn't felt right all week. I haven't felt right all week. Sure, the kids have all been home for a week straight now due to the 3.5 feet of snow we got last weekend, and I hit the 12 weeks post-pardum so my hormones are all over the map, and I am set to go back to work in a couple of days. I have been struggling all week trying to keep my emotions in check with varied success.
This time of year is always hard for me. The post-holiday let down combined with cold dark days always does a number on my moods. I have found it particularly challenging this year with a toddler and a new baby plus the older 3. I definitely am barely holding my life together most days.
A couple weeks ago my middle daughter came home very excited with a paper for the talent show tryouts at school and the fun skit her and her friends had written for it. I sat staring at the paper that night and was transported back 5 years. The day of the talent show my oldest was to be in. I had to put my beloved baby dog to sleep that day, very suddenly. I don't think I have ever cried so hard in all my life. My husband had to meet me at the vet because I just couldn't deal with it alone. That sweet little dog was a shelter rescue and the most perfect creature alive. She slept curled under my chest every night and her soft white fur held rivers of my tears over the years. We had to pick up my daughter from school, bury my dog in my mom's backyard where my father had a crucifix on the ground marking where other pets had been buried. All I wanted was to curl up in a ball in bed, but we headed out to the talent show. The next day I found out I was pregnant. I thought it was a sign or something...you know a new life replacing one that was lost, even though she wasn't human I loved her as if she were. A few weeks later that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. My second one that year. Every year when the talent show comes around, I remember all over again. I wish I could forget.
Tonight I was out and happened to be checking email. In my spam folder was an email for a local bounce house place offering a discount, sent a day ago. Was it still valid? I noticed the date. My heart started racing. January 28. January 28. My mind raced and my stomach dropped. 8 years ago today my dad died. I almost forgot. How did I not notice the date all day I wondered.
When I got home I checked the calendar. There covering 3 squares was a pink post-it note. It read "January 27 Talent show practice after school from 3-4". My middle daughter being who she is knows I don't like anyone writing on my calendar but me. (My oldest is famous for writing big and taking up the entire block of space). I pulled the post it note off and there the date was on a completely blank square: 28. I backed up and leaned against the counter and stared at the date in that blank square and the tears started to fall. As much as I want to forget I force myself to remember just so I won't forget details of that day. If I forget the details I am forgetting him, and that scares me. He was the single most important person in my life to me. No one else has ever come close really. To me, he was perfect. When I lost him, I lost myself for a while. No wonder I felt the way I have felt all week.
I almost forgot. But my heart remembered. It always does, and I always want it to. Even though it hurts.