Learning the truth, finally

 I’m just going to blog through this because honestly, this story is crazy. It’s like something out of a novel, but it’s not, it’s real, and it’s my life. And I have no idea how to even being to process all of this. So I’m just going to start writing, because if I think to much I literally might curl up and die.

The short version is that after 21 years, I have finally learned the truths surrounding my marriage. I have discovered the person I married was not the person he claimed to be. I discovered that our entire relationship has been based on lies and deceit. And I have no idea how to reconcile that with the life I have now. And I am holding a lot of hurt, heartbreak, and anger right now. I’ve cried more tears than I can count. And I have no idea what to do, how to live with my new reality.

I have long had questions or suspicions that something was never quite right with the stories my husband has told me over the years. Things kept changing, timelines didn’t match, he was vague and always tried to play off any questions I had.

When I met him, he was married, but he never told me. We were engaged and pregnant on purpose before I even found out, when we couldn’t plan our own wedding because he wasn’t single. I’m not going to dive back into the specifics because it sucks to relive. Let’s just say it was a very humiliating time in my life, knocked up by a married man. While he had been separated, he was still stringing his wife along, and unbeknownst to be until recently, found out there was overlap where we were both sleeping with him. She didn’t know about me yet, either. I feel sick to my stomach writing this.

He misrepresented himself and made selfish decisions that took away my choices. I would never have talked to someone who was involved in any way with someone else, let alone married. Separated doesn’t cut it for me. He made me an adulterous. He lied to get his way, no matter who he hurt. He also hurt his poor wife. It makes me sick to think that I was manipulated into becoming an adulterer. He told me anything he though I wanted to hear, truth be damned.

That’s just the beginning...I’m pretty sure just about everything he’s ever told me about himself before me is a lie. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. My heart is absolutely broken in half. Everything I thought I knew and believed about my relationship was all a lie. The lies have continued for 21 years now.

Thanks to the year of quarantine we had been spending lots of time together, my husband and I. We talked about all sorts of old memories  and things. It was during these conversations that new inconsistencies started popping out at me, and the more I asked, the different the answers were, things weren’t adding up, timelines weren’t making sense. He was extremely vague about a lot of things and acted like he couldn’t remember.

And then at some point he talked about wanting to find his old group of friends we hung out with when we met. And when I brought up certain people and friends to find, he got really uncomfortable and acted so strange about everything. And he did some other things to sort of push me into this direction...so I started finding people and asking questions. And I got the same accounts from everyone I talked to, except for my husband.

So I confronted him. And he continued to lie until he realized he was backed into a corner.

And then the first thing he said is “should I leave? Am I getting divorce papers in my stocking?”

His first reaction was to run. And I looked him square in the eye and he knew that I finally saw the truth. And I told him I wished I had never met him. And right now that remains true.

I feel so violated and worthless and broken. I feel so fucking stupid. He probably got a good laugh at our expenses joking on how he was screwing different women every night and none of us knew. He preyed on people he thought were vulnerable enough to buy his shit. And we did. And I have wasted 21 years of my life with him. He took so much from me, my pride and dignity being at the top of the list along with all the trust and love I had. It’s gone. I don’t know if I can ever get it back. Manipulating and lying to someone to get them  to be with you isn’t love.

It one fell swoop I lost everything. My husband, my partner, my best friend. But the ends don’t justify the means. You can’t erase 21 years of lies and sweep it under the rug. I can’t live like that.

All I know is that is the day after thanksgiving and I’m sitting out on my porch, all alone, trying to makes sense of all of this, with tears streaming down my face.My heart is shattered into a billion pieces. I have no idea if it’s even fixable. All I know is I’m unwilling to continue living this life based on lies. I don’t know what that means yet, and I don’t know how I am ever going to survive this.

Revisiting the past

 This year I have worked really hard on myself, all aspects of me that needed improvement. Trying to work my way out of a hole of anxiety and depression has taken much introspection and reflecting, and dealing with all the things as they come up, taking it one thing at a time. I’ve also worked very hard this year to project love and kindness and empathy and understanding. That’s been very easy and fulfilling. But the mind can be a dangerous place, and I’ve realized I have a lot of things in my life I have never completely worked through, because I didn’t know how. Some things are decades old but occasionally when triggered I start to remember things, and it triggers bad thoughts and feelings and sometimes I can’t snap out of it that quickly. That’s one thing I’ve noticed about my mental health meds, all precautions, some pharmaceuticals and some natural from the earth meds, that they have been making my brain fire neurons left and right, and my memory is way sharper now than it has ever been. I guess that’s what happens when the fog of depression finally lifts off. Memories from my childhood are so much more vivid, and I remember things that I had forgotten about, or forgot I remembered, and things I read seems to get etched into my brain and I can recall the whole page of text in my head, or at least important things that stuck out at me.

The downside is that it means I remember seemingly everything, the good and the bad, and Incant pick and choose what my brain decides it’s going to remember. Sometimes a feeling of deja vu with immediately bring with it dread and knots in my stomach. The mind is so powerful.

I have realized I can’t really move forward in my healing and having a more peaceful future if I don’t confront my past. And that feels like Pandora’s Box.

Because the one thing from my past that I know I had to face is something that changed the course of my life, and it was something I really didn’t have control over, so I feel like my choice was taken away from me about the direction my life went in. And it’s something that over all these years I have revisited many times, mulling it over and over and then finally deciding to stuff it away again until next time it resurfaces. It’s been in my face for a while now. I can’t ignore it anymore. Am I happy with my life? Absolutely. Would I change it for the world? NO. It’s not about that. It’s about coming to terms with the choices that were taken from me, hopefully understanding the situation more, so that I can finally make peace with it and let it go once and for all. I will be all the better for it.

But. (there’s always a but.) But it’s a little like uncovering some long buried secret. The answers on the other side could also be devastating and life changing. But I have already put the plans in motion. I have no idea if this will even pan out, if I will even get anywhere. There’s a chance I may have to dig for answers. And the answers might be worse than what I’m already imagining, and then that will be another whole thing I guess I will have to work through somehow. But if I want true healing, true wholeness, true peace I have to follow this down to wherever it takes me. They say the only way out is through. Here I go.

The Children We Couldn’t Have

 As my hormones have made apparent, my baby days are over. Not by choice or decision, but by nature. And as more and more baby and maternity gear gets unearthed from its hiding spaces of my closets, being either given friends who will loving use it, or saving for hopefully one day grandchildren...I mean, my eldest is 20 now and I was 22 when I had her.... I’ve been working through a lot of deep thoughts and feelings about this process, struggling of the natural-ness that it’s supposed to be vs the actual mess of hormones and emotions that it actually is. Combined IF and loss into that mix and it’s a lot.

Mel of @strirrup-queens highlighted a post that had a line something to the effect of “we regret the children we did not have, not the ones we do” or something close. And it made me think...

Saying children we DID NOT HAVE somehow implies to me a type of failure. Thinking about the babies I lost, the pregnancies that barely got started, if at all. And more than just mine, but the embryo’s and babies of friends of mine, friends of all of us in the amazing community.

I couldn’t have the babies I wanted...many, many women I know couldn’t have the babies they wanted, many had babies that they couldn’t keep, who went to heaven all too soon. The babies we couldn’t keep.

I am personally opposed to abortion for myself personally, deep in my soul, regardless of religious teachings,, Scientifically, and as a woman in the healthcare profession. But I have many, many friends who have had abortions and I love them without judgement. This isn’t meant to be a political or prolife post, or one meant to stir up any trouble, so haters can go fuck off here.

The Babies We Couldn’t Have.The babies we couldn’t keep.

And I don’t think this has to be a “we regret the...” type of post. People can’t have babies for a million reasons. Not Every creature on this earth can produce and sustain life, even if they were biologically meant to.

My first girlfriend gave up her baby for adoption. We were 18. So many other people have had failed adoptions where they couldn’t keep the baby.

The babies we couldn’t have. the babies we couldn’t keep.

I MOURN the babies I couldn’t have. We mourn for the babies we COULDN’T have. No matter the reason or circumstance.

The babies we couldn’t have, and the babies we couldn’t keep. It sounds so much more inclusive, don’t you think?

🌈

20 years

 

It’s amazing how fast 20 years goes by. I can’t even remember a time when it wasn’t he and I. From being poor newlyweds with our first baby at 22, to secondary infertility, to the loss of grandparents and parents, to job losses, anxiety/depression, tearing down and rebuilding our marriage to the fortress it is now, to infertility and loss again, to celebrating 20 years on July 7th, we have experienced so much together and more importantly, survived and became stronger than ever, together. It literally felt like we walked through fire together at certain points.

I am so proud of how far we have come, and all we’ve learned, and how close we are. Years ago we did a book called The Love Dare and we still use everything we learned to this day. The first chapter is literally “Be Kind”. It’s amazing how it’s the simplest thing but sometimes so hard to remember. We have been living on the principle of being kind, and talk about it everyday with our kids, especially during these crazy times where a smidge of kindness goes a long way. If you start by being kind, things don’t have to become a fight, and rarely do. We still have times where we but heads, but we usually can get through that in a matter of minutes.

This man, he’s the greatest. He even listened and let me cry on our anniversary when my period showed up, and I told him I had been having a recurring baby dream of twins, and in my dreams that helped fill all the baby-shaped holes in my heart. We aren’t even ttc or anything and I’m definitely sub-fertile. I cried that I wished this feeling would leave me, that I don’t know why I can’t let it go. And he said so gently “maybe that’s just who you are.” And I have never felt so safe  or so comforted, or so understood ever in my life. And trust me, he doesn’t really want more kids, but he doesn’t hold it against me from feeling so differently.

Holding on for dear life because this time goes so fast. 2020 has definitely upset the balance in the force, and nothing feels certain anymore. So damn thankful I have such a strong partner to share this life with.

Photo cred: our amazing second daughter, nearly 16. She wants to be a professional photographer and got a new top of the line camera system for her bday. This was shot in her iPhone 7 during an impromptu photo shoot last Friday for my husband’s bday.❤️💜

Pandemic Juxtaposition

 He was our doctor, our co-worker, our comrade, our friend. Such a gentle, compassionate soul, tirelessly leading our Covid units through the madness and uncertainty from the beginning of all this craziness when so much was still unknown. Working in these conditions, all the while knowing he had an autoimmune disease and damaged lungs that would make it extremely hard for him to fight off the virus if he should contract it.

We cared for him for a month...watching Covid weaken him more and more each day. Holding his hand, rubbing his hair, speaking as softly to him as all the PPE allows. Being extra gentle, taking those extra minutes to keep him as comfortable as possible. We do this, of course, for all of our patients, but this time it felt different. Personal.

When it was his time everyone was called in. His husband discarded all of his PPE and held him. We all laid hands on him, praying, coaxing him, letting him know he was loved and safe, helping him return home to The Lord.

*************************************************

Driving home last night, head and heart still heavy from the events of the past couple weeks, traffic started to slow down. From my position I could see a large SUV pulled over on the left shoulder, and then I notice the problem, a dog laying under the car. It looked like his owner was trying to coax him out, but we were on the side of a major roadway...what in the world?? I pulled over and jumped out, asking if it was his dog. Turns out, he stopped because he saw a dog in the road and when he pulled over the dog crawled under his car. She was obviously hurt in some way. Quite quickly there were several people all trying to help, and some angel wearing a Philly Flyers shirt pulled over; he owned a farm and helped rescue dogs, so he grabbed an extra leash and helped us get her out. She was a beautiful golden retriever/German Shepherd mix, with a Shepherd face and coloring on her back, and retriever ears and fluffy fur. We helped to keep her calm and still. There were about 6 police officers that all were  stopped with us, several of us calling Emergency Vets because we didn’t know what would happen. Animal control was called to help. None of us were willing to let her go unless we knew she would get emergent care. Once I realized she was not going to bite, I sat there in the road with her, her leaning on me, petting her. She let me check her out. If you have never owned or knew a GSD, they are so very human like with their eyes and emotions, and they are so very smart. She knew we were helping her, so she didn’t snap or growl or bite, just looked up with those human-like eyes, so trusting. At one point the lead Sergeant said “I would tell you guys you can all go and we will stay with her, but I see you are all invested.” I looked up at her incredulously and said “It’s  a DOG” hahaha. Occasionally I would lower my mask so the dog could see my whole face. She wanted to lay down more, but you could tell it hurt her. From what we could see, she had a small cut on her eye and the top of her head, it looked like she may have bit her tongue, one of the front paw nails was bleeding, and she obviously had a hurt back leg. At one point we realized we had her blood on our hands, but everyone just shrugged and said it was just dog blood and no one worried. Finally animal control came. They had a little doggy stretcher that we helped her get settled on and carry to the van, once we were assured that she was going to a local Emergency hospital, one I know and have used so I felt better about that knowing she was about to get help. One lady gave her her own jacket we had Been using as a blanket/pillow, thinking the smell of those that helped her would help calm her on the ride. Several people took live videos and pictures and put them on Facebook, hoping to find her owner, as her tags were missing on her collar. I’m hoping she is microchipped. I’m going to check the shelter in the days and weeks ahead to see if she comes up for adoption. I don’t even know the names of any of those kind humans I spent the majority of my evening with. As I left the scene, I thanked everyone for helping and working together.

As I drove away I cried. Everything from the last few weeks came crashing down. Sometimes all the medical advances in the world can’t save a human, but a few people can come together and save a dog.

Sometimes, it’s all you can do.

Wanting something I never thought I wanted

As a little girl growing up, I never dreamed of a wedding or of being married and having a family. I guess I just assumed I would? but I never had all those kinds of fantasies. It wasn’t that I had a bad experience...I grew up in a stable two parent Brady bunch type family. I loved kids and babies...I was always the one who wanted to hold any new baby I saw. I started babysitting early, and had tons of experience with children of all ages.

I never imagined having my own child, though. Not really ever. And then once in highschool it was definitely the thing you did not want to end up having. I can remember that some girls talked about wanting to have a baby right after graduation, and I remember thinking it was nuts. I thought it was nuts when we saw teenage girls we knew pregnant, and then all around town toting a baby in a stroller. I couldn’t even picture my life like that. I tried to imagine once what it would be like if I got pregnant, and man...it just didn’t even seem like the thing to do, maybe ever. I remember when the first of our small circle of girls from my highschool got married right after we graduated and had a baby right away...when we met at one friends house all dressed to go out one night, the girl who had the baby stopped by to see us and we all sat in a circle around her with the baby in the middle of the floor. She was about 6 months old at the time. We all stayed at her like she was an alien, and ooohed and ahhhed over her for a few minutes and then we had nothing to talk about, and sort of rolled out and left her with the baby, because as Resse Witherspoon said “You can’t bring a baby to a BAR”...lol

I remember another time in highschool during some complete joke of a life skills class (even we could tell back then how much of a joke it really was) we had to plan a wedding, so the vision board and everything. I remember all these girls getting so into it, and I was so...not. I remember making up a small portion of it and otherwise creating a very hippie wedding held in the mountains on my older brothers property (that part is true, this place does exist and my brother does live there) and spending like $2K... HA. The hippie part still tracks today, fyi.

So yeah. Never on my radar, these motherly things. When it came to my own wedding, after trying in several different styles of a wedding, we eloped to Reno, NV at Silver Bells wedding chapel. I still don’t regret it. And I’ve seen friends and coworkers plan these crazy weddings and it’s all so much...so I’ve always joking told my girls they should just elope one day. But in all seriousness, I highly recommend it, and it doesn’t have to be a secret...we told everyone in advance. (Don’t worry, we had a teeny tiny (not an exaggeration) Church ceremony in the chapel a couple years later to appease my dad, but we wanted to anyway, that was always the plan.)

But I had the instinct, I always have. I was a nanny for my sister all
through middle and highschool.  I took care of them when there was one, then 2, then 3, and then one day all four of them. And I loved them and treated them like they were my own kids. (I still do.) My niece, the second oldest, is the most like me and the one who I understand because she’s so misunderstood just like I am. She’s now almost 27, and going to be married this year (hopefully everything can happen as tentatively planned but I’ve offered to get a certification and marry them if it comes down to it)

She was able to drive to her parents state where the wedding will be to do wedding planning stuff. Today they Said Yes to a Dress and sampled all the food. She (and my sister) we’re sending me pictures throughout the day, and the first one that popped up was the one of my beautiful niece in THE dress...and I cried so many tears. I am so happy for her. I can’t believe my baby niece is going to be a wife soon...and it made me so wistful. And then the pictures of the food and the people during the tasting...first, I was WAY jealous because catering food always looks SO amazing with surprises in the flavors and textures...but what really got me was imagining them all sitting there together at the table, and how my goofball brother in law would be telling corny dad jokes and “critiquing” the food like some sort of food network expert, and I could picture the dumb faces he was making and I could hear the laughter of everyone and all the silly loving barbs going back and forth.

And I realize that I want that with my kids. That I want them help to plan a ceremony to join them together with the love of their life, their soul pate, their forever person. I thought about cool it would be, knowing the kind of crazy family we are and how we laugh and joke together, how that would be so much fun to do. And I surprised myself by telling everyone as I showed them pictures how I would be down with planning a wedding, a small intimate one, not some crazy 300 person waste of money party.

And I realized how I’ve always been so preoccupied with wanting another baby and grieving my lost babies and trying for more babies...how I have these babies here that aren’t babies. I’m being dramatic here, of course I notice they are growing older and up. But I guess through this pandemic where time has seemingly stood still, I’ve been able to breathe in and take a look around me, and really study hard, like a sculptor would, at the beings in front of me. To memorize every part of them, to freeze their voices in time in my mind. To freeze their faces exactly as they are today, to burn and etch them into my memory. And it’s also reminding me to be present, all the time. To not miss a beat, a single drop in tone of voice, to all of it. To check in even more (so, like all the time) because this is a challenging time for them to, mentally, physically, emotionally. Only they don’t always know where to put it or how to handle it. Neither to most of us, right?

So back to that food tasting? I really hope I get lucky enough to sit around a table sampling food and making jokes with my kids one day.

MicroBlog Monday’s: I’m alive

Hi Friends. I’m alive. I think somewhere along the line I have gone into survival mode. I still read your blogs, even though I’ve been quiet...most days I don’t have the mental energy left to write anything meaningful , although thank you to all who have been writing, because your words have all touched me or helped me in some way.

Working as a first line frontline healthcare worked has been...crazy. Exhausting, mentally more than physically. Watching family members and friends having to drop their sick ones off at the door is gut-wrenching to witness. It’s all so sad and scary. Before this had all started I extended my days/work hours, and I wish I had waited. It’s SO hard right now. And then coming home and trying to be all the things to everyone in my household, and keep us stocked and fed, and entertained, and also trying to teach?! Whoa.

Real life is so different...every aspect is stressful. It’s very hard to find enough peace and quiet to de-stress. I’ve ended up staying up til all hours of the morning and then being tired the next day and it’s a whole cycle.

One amazing thing to come out of all this time together is that my husband and I have never had a stronger, better relationship than we do now. Super fitting for our 20th anniversary coming up and our 21st year together. He has truly been my anchor the past few months. I’m just so very thankful for him and our marriage. Because we’ve definitely had our share of hard years.

I’m going to end this here for now. Picture post to come soonish about things we’ve been up to. I hope you are all well and staying as sane as possible and are finding ways to take care of yourselves. Please remember we are all doing the best we can here. Whatever you are doing...just know it’s enough. Stay safe. Wishing you all peace. Until next time.