About Me

I am an insane human being. I have been a wife for 15 plus years, and a mom for almost as long. I had 3 children early on...then struggled with life and IF and loss for 8 years. Thought our family was complete, so I compensated by adopting all the shelter pets. Then we were surprised that our luck changed. Our running total is Parents: 2, Kids: 5, Pets:4. My life is far from perfect, and much of our happiness was hard fought and won, from the death of a parent, job loss and marriage troubles, miscarriage and IF, we have been through it all, and dare I say we made it, with a lot of love and laughter, and not taking ourselves too seriously.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Heavy Heart Day

While there is so much good in my life, today I am struggling. I haven't had a day like this in a while. Very fitting that in the Round Up, Mel highlighted a post about grief. Last night I had a trigger that I didn't realize was one at the time. Today the wave has hit me and pulled me under.

My thoughts are too scattered and it is far too much to try and write and really explain the entire situation right now. I was upset last night about a situation and I thought I understood why. I managed to fall asleep last night despite being a little angry, but when I woke up in the middle of the night and my mind returned to it, I actually started crying, but still thinking the situation had just upset me more than I thought and blamed the baby hormones. But when I got up this morning, I get like a weight was on my shoulders, as if I had a dark cloud hanging over me. I keep replaying everything in my mind over and over, and I keep imagining all the things I want to say.

Baby boy and I went down to the basement. He found some things to play with and was keeping to himself, and I had a few moments to just sit with my thoughts. I felt the sting behind my eyes and had a few tears, but the longer I sat with my thoughts, the harder tears started to flow until I was outright sobbing, as the underlying reason the events of last night got to me so much dawned on me. The grief re-surfaced in a big way, and I haven't been able to swim out from under it just yet.

I have so much I need to do to prepare for the birthday party tonight but I can't even get myself together enough to do any of it. Today is my Heavy Heart Day, one of those days where the sadness is just going to stay with me all day and my heart is going to ache. I have been through this many times before over the last seven and a half years, but I wasn't expecting this wave at all. Tomorrow will likely be better. But today...today I miss my Dad. So much.

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