I Guess it Was Always Bound to Happen

My mother and I have never really been friends. I have no idea what a mother/daughter relationship is actually supposed to look like. I suppose I have always felt like I was never good enough, and that I was always the one causing the problems and never the solution. Even in my adult life, I have never felt like she agreed with any of my life choices, even now. I can't tell you how much she disagrees with me having the number of kids that I have now, let alone being pregnant again. She is quick with critisim and short on compliments. I don't think she has ever once in my adult life told me she is proud of me, even after all the hurdles I have made it through.

My Dad was always my person. The one I could always talk to. He was never judgemental and always listened, and even if he didn't have the answer I knew he would always help me through it. He always told me how proud he was of me, and I never questioned whether he thought I was good enough or not, because I knew. When he died is when my life unraveled, because I didn't know how to cope without him. My mom was a mess, too, and I promised him I would take care of her, but because we didn't ever have a close relationship, I didn't know how. It took me a long time to get myself better after he died. My relationship with my mom still wasn't great, but it was better than It had been.

I was always envious of my older sister growing up. Her and my mom could go in the bedroom and talk for hours. Even as I got older, I would see them interact and feel like an outsider. I was (and still am) very close with my sister, but around the 2 of them I always felt like the third wheel, like I didn't really belong.

My mom has changed. She barely talks to my siblings anymore. I asked her about that once, and she almost acted like she didn't care. My dad was the glue of the family, but he also was my mom's calm. Without him, she is unhinged. She has become a much colder person, and even inconsiderate. She says whatever she wants and doesn't seem to care who it bothers. If you try and talk to her she gets angry and defensive and plays the victim as if people are ganging up on her. She isn't the mother I knew. She was never the warmest, happiest, positive person around but now she is downright miserable. Even a phone call from her is a source of such stress and negativity anymore.

I have always heard stories of people who had broken relationships with their parents, and I always wondered why and could never imagine having that. It doesn't seem so far fetched now, and I can see how it can happen and even understand it.

My dad was always the buffer. I would always talk to him about things, even my pregnancies, and let him break the news to my mom. Because then I didn't have to hear her negative remarks. My dad was always so joyous about anything any of his kids ever accomplished. Even bad news was never that bad to him because there was always a solution to be had, or a silver lining somewhere to be found. It is impossible to talk to her about anything, even good news. She always finds something negative to say or finds some problem with just about everything.

It was always bound to happen, I suppose, that whatever relationship we did have has deteriorated. I have been trying so hard in the years since Dad died to try and make some kind of mother/daughter relationship. I honestly have tried everything...being the good daughter that looks out for her and brings her food, letting her say whatever she wants and having it roll off my back, trying to let her "fix" things in my life, trying to talk to her as more of a friend...I guess when you have never had a close relationship it is impossible to try and make happen now. She has said some pretty hurtful things to me over the last year, things I would like to ignore but yet I can't. The events of last week sort of pushed me over the edge. I don't even know how I am supposed to go on from here. She knows she has upset me, but I truly don't think she cares. And I don't think she even knows the extent of the hurt. I don't even think if I told her it would make a difference. I guarantee she would turn it around and make it all about her.

I guess it was always bound to happen. But it still guts me. And I miss my Dad. I have got to try to find a way to move on.