Mental Dump

Mel has used this title before, and they are some of my most favorite posts, and since my head is swirling with lots of randomness today, thought I would do one of mine own.

Baby stuff: I worked most of labor day weekend but did have yesterday off. We got some of the baby items organized on shelves in our closet. I still have a stack of neutral things to sort into drawers that I can hopefully get done this week. We picked the Godparents and asked them, and have set the baptism date with our church. We still don't have a name of either gender picked out. We had a leftover girls name when our last one was a boy, but I have since found other names I might like better. I also would like to use my sister's middle name, and have too many choices for girl's names that I love, so I am considering using two middle names, but I don't know how that works...on the birth certificate and in real life, such as filling out forms and paperwork. Anyone have any experience with that? We have no real boys name picked out at all.

Work: I have a very physical job, and I have noticed it is getting harder for me to work much earlier this time than last time. I am way more winded and physically uncomfortable this time. Sunday is my long day and it takes much more out of me and I really have to push to get through the day. It's not causing any contractions or anything, it is just physically hard. I have 7 weeks of work left so I am going to tough it out.

This week: is a short week but a crazy one. I have a ton of stuff going on each day. Nothing that is hard or complicated really, just some doctor's appointments, school meeting, dessert making, and an 11 year old birthday and subsequent sleepover birthday party to fit in to an already busy schedule. Sometimes looking at the calendar, the week seems overwhelming to someone like me, who is a notorious procrastinator and lacking time management skills.

Life: I am at this weird place in life where most people I know who were going to have kids already have them, and they are well out of the baby/toddler stage. It almost becomes like once you have kids who are more independent, you forget what it was like to have a baby or toddler and literally have no time for yourself. Where it's not as easy to just drop everything to go out to do anything, where sleep sort of trumps anything else, where emotional energy is at an all-time low and you are just trying to make it moment to moment. So most of my friends are moving out of that space, and I am back in it, and it makes it hard to connect and understand each other. And the ones who don't have kids don't understand it at all. So to all of them it probably seems like I am totally absent or checking out, when really I am just surviving this fleeting time with babies I longed for. I am completely content with my life...but I definitely feel judged for not being "there", where ever there actually is. But I got married and had my first kids way earlier than any of my friends, so I guess we have never actually been on the same page anyway.

On that same idea the friend I wrote about in this post ran into my husband over the weekend. And she sort of bombarded him with a lot of questions (as if I am living some double life I am keeping her out of) and told him lots of things but left out key things so it came off sounding like I was this horrible friend. My husband relayed what she said kind of matter of fact, not judge-y at all, but he had already knew my side of things but in typical guy fashion forgot until I reminded him he and I had discussed this before. I wasn't overly concerned because I had a conversation with this friend a couple of weeks ago where I had explained that life was just different now with having older kids, a toddler, and a baby on the way. That I didn't really have so much time that was "my" time and that it was only going to get worse when I had the baby, and that it was harder now than when I was a decade younger having kids. Anyway...one thing my husband relayed to me really has stuck with me...she told him that she took off work specifically so her and I could do something for her birthday (which isn't entirely true because she takes the entire week off every year, unless she meant she left that day open), that I didn't actually call and sing to her, and (this was the real kicker for me) that her card arrived to her late. I wrote this in my last post, but when I realized the night before that our plans had to be changed, I texted her and let her know and why. I waited for her to suggest something else, but she never did, and when I realized the next day-which was her actual birthday-that I wouldn't be seeing her, only then did I put her card in the mail. The card she never acknowledging receiving from me. When my husband told me she said that...I just quietly replied "Well, at least now I know she actually got the card." And then I just felt sad. I love her, but I guess I can't be the same exact friend right now because of all the things going on in my life. I feel bad, but really, what can I do. She doesn't have any of those responsibilities, so she can't possibly truly understand, and clearly she doesn't after we talked about this and then she goes and says all this stuff to my husband.

I am tired of this heat...I long for fall weather. The third week of school, and we just a notice that school is closing early due to the heat. There goes anything extra I thought I was going to get done today.