recipes and secrets

 There is another story I want (need) to tell, but in order for it to make sense, you really need to know the beginning. And this is the beginning, or as close as I can get.

When my husband’s grandmother was passing away but still lucid, I thought to ask my mom in law for her mother’s cookie recipe, just known as grandmother’s cookies, always given nestled in plastic inside a tin, they were a delicate cookie, like the expensive ones in the specialty section of the grocery store, where it’s like $8.99 for 12 cookies and by the time you get them home half are broken from the shuffling around. She had the original copy of the recipe, and gladly gave it to me.

After she had passed away and we were planning the memorial, I decided that a sweet gesture would be to make her cookies in her honor. No one else is the family made them or ever wanted to try...I’m the baker and chef of our family. Upon reading the recipe, I had to read it 3 times and flip it over to look on the back. While ingredients and amounts are there, it ships right to putting them on the tray and into the oven. It’s handwritten so it’s no mistake. It dawned on my what a sly, smart woman she was. It was her recipe, the one she was known for and who everyone knew to expect when they saw her, and whose cookies everyone could identify in the dessert table. The cookies that would be hidden inside their tins tucked away in secret spots to prevent them from being stolen by others...everyone got their own tin and would easily go through them in a day and search for someone else’s stash.

I told my husband when I discover this that “she was sneaky. Don’t be surprised if there are some secrets that come out and her will and papers come out and we all start going through things. This was not an accident or coincidence. She purposely did not put the technique, which any baker knows for a delicate cookie like this is crucial for texture and there’s no real room for error in these cookies. You just wait.”

Well, now I’m eating my words because things did come out. But that’s another story, the one I want to tell next.

So some days before the memorial I decided to try the recipe. My mom in law was over and I though perfect she can taste test them for me and see if I can recreate these.

I looked up towed the heavens and said “ok mom-mom you got me. That was pretty good, but I’m better. I got this.”

And I figured it out based on what I knew and they came out exactly prefect.

I didn’t know what kind of forbidding I was predicting when I spoke those words to the heavens. But man.

A Christmas Miracle

 Amazing things can happen when you let love, kindness, and empathy lead. It can be a very hard thing to do, but if you can live like that you will reap great rewards. I know. Because it happened to me.

My story that I’ve been posting about is completely crazy, weird, bizarre, scandalous...the stuff of tv dramas and bad TV movies. Yet it is all true, and it’s my life.

Things seemed to take an unexpected turn at my last post. Guys, this stuff has been really hard to deal with and process at the tail end of a year that was weird and hard in its own right, for everyone on the planet. I’m fatigued, and when that happens I tend to cross over to the dark side and sometimes get stuck there.

But since working hard on my mental health and trying to be a more positive, calm, happy person, I knew I couldn’t stay in the dark place for long.

My husbands lies and actions were awful, but they were coming from a place of rejection and hurt and distrust. In the time since I wrote about learning the truth, more and more truths have come to light, more dark secrets and fears that were hidden have come out. The understanding I have of this man I married is incredible...and it’s given me a real way to help him. He’s been in therapy for a couple weeks now trying to sort out the traumas of his childhood.

And that never would have happened if it weren’t for his ex, who so bravely opened up to me about their shared past. Together we were able to give each other the pieces we truly needed to see the complete picture, and it allowed her some new understanding and closure after all this time. It gave me a jumping off point to further keep putting the pieces together for him to have his memory jogger enough. It also gave him great understanding of all the hurt he caused, because he had been hurt over and over again during his childhood by people he was supposed to be able to trust and who were supposed to protect him.

Yes, I had a big crush on this girl. Yes I think she is amazing. But we are friends...and friends we will stay. Talking to her reminds me of talking to an old friend, like talking to my sister.

So tonight (the 23rd) I found myself done every outside of  the house errand, went to alll the packed stores, finished everything. I had a lot of cooking and baking to do...hours worth. Her and I often FaceTime in the evening and sit and chat over folding laundry and a glass of wine, and it’s strangely comforting. Her and I were chatting and as this is her first Christmas after a difficult split, I could sense she was feeling lonely, as I was. I may have a house full of people but it’s not the same as having a sibling or friend to hang out with while doing all the things. I lamented to her that I wish there was a way she could just come over with her girls and hang out. She said she wished that too, and I say maybe someday...

My husband hadn’t seen her in 20+ years...he has a lot of guilt and shame about all of that regarding her.

But, like I said I can’t live in the dark place, I also can’t sit on things I want to do or things that have to be done...I don’t like things hanging over me. It unsettles me at best. So I broached the subject with my husband tonight. He hasn’t even been comfortable with us talking, let alone anything more like a friendship. But I pressed on because that’s what I do. I told him the above story and asked if he thought that would ever be possible. So of course his first reaction was to balk. A lot. But I have a way with words and thoughts and I was able to explain why this is important to me, why she is important to me.

You see, she is part of my story, as much as I don’t like the plot line. She fills in so many parts of all of it, the same as she does now.

So we had her and her youngest daughter over that night. They talked privately, albeit briefly. I checked in with them both separately to make sure each was ok. She stayed for several hours, and we just chatted and baked cookies and did mom stuff. Occasionally my husband would pop in and chat for a few or crack a couple jokes, always his way, which I happen to adore. I love that he makes me laugh. And it was a really fun time.

Since I first started this post on Christmas Eve (it’s Saturday night now) we have all hung out again. She and I had decided since everything was cool or could at least be going forward, that we should get a do over, a chance to really get together to hang out without all the awkwardness of the initial start to the night that sort of hung over us. We all kept it light and funny and just make jokes about the weirdness of the whole situation. So our plans were for her to meet at our house Saturday night, all three of us do a shot together and cheers to friends, then her and I would go find somewhere that wasn’t crowded to grab a late dinner. (Which wasn’t at all hard to do in the closest couple towns near me)

*****side note, I get the vaccine tomorrow (Sunday)!!! I had to read all the disclosures and it’s scary but also not because the information they are providing is is directly from the Pharm company and is incredibly transparent, but also because I’m now part of a clinical study, and they will be taking media photos and recording this crazy bit of history we are all a part of. But I wholeheartedly believe in science, it’s been my passion for as long as I can remember. So vaccinated I will get.*****

So back to Saturday...of course nothing could go to plan. Late Friday night she texted in a panic because some lights came in in her car. It’s already been a year, her first Christmas separated from her husband, and she struggles from anxiety and depression, which I know all too well. So I offered to help and I talked to my oldest son whose a mechanic (he’s 15 but he’s got skills) and he agreed for us to go help her Saturday morning, as long as he was back in time to leave with his oldest sister and her mechanic boyfriend to look at a truck my son wanted to buy. We even found time on Christmas Eve to make an after dinner run to a liquor store and pick out a couple last minute gifts and a nice bottle of whiskey to shoot. Everything was set. Until.

UNTIL...

Hubs and I stay up stupid late Christmas night into Saturday. Basically take a nap. Get up and start getting ready and make sure my son is awake. I’m in the middle of getting dressed when I hear my son from the hallway saying how he can’t go, he had to leave with his sister rightnow!! Wait, what?! Mind you we are already running late and I’ve told her we’d be on the way in 10 minutes. Find out my oldest daughter on a whim changed all these plans to suit what she woke up and felt like doing, had everyone all worked up as per usual, ended up leaving with her big and my son to go to look at the truck...and I’m standing there trying to figure out how I’m going to still help her, when I see my husband pulling on his boots and saying her would go to help. So we went with it. I did text her on the way to warn her, asking her to take a breath and not freak out, so she had a good half hour to get used to the idea. I’ve told him over and over that the more normal he acts, the more normal it will be, for everyone. So we got there and he acted like he was going to help an old friend, making jokes, giving advice, eventually fixing the problem for her without too much effort.

Later that night I was running behind again because my husband I were spending some quality time together while the kids were all occupied with all the new things. Hey, ya gotta stay connected, amiright?! And naked time is the best stress reliever!!!

I digress.

So neither of us were quite ready when she got there but he was more ready than me so he had to answer the door. Luckily the little boys were still up and the older two teeens were floating around so she was well entertained for 10 minutes.(I check the clock when I came downstairs haha) But I brought down my socks and boots and makeup and sat and chatted with her while I finished getting ready (not a usual wearer of makeup but I do like too sometimes even if it’s simple. But these days I’m doing it more because it makes me feel good, and I could always use more of that!! About 10 minutes before we left we all Saluted to friends and had a shot of some of the smoothest whiskey I’ve ever had, and just talked for the last couple minutes. It was nice, it was fun, it was comforting.

I’ve talked to both of them separately to make they are each feeling ok with everything and they both have said that it’s just like a person they once knew, like an old old friend. Usually there’s always gonna be some tension in any long term relationship, even friendships, and so when he reframed it that way he was like yeah it’s like a chance to make things right and ok in the universe. In his universe. She has made a peace with everything long ago.

And I have grown so much from this...I have learned the power of unconditional love...I have learned that I was correct in not stopping my search for the truth, even when my digging caused some huge waves for a lot of people, and that I will always fight for the truth, I have learned how deeply flawed we are as humans, every one of us, though some more than others. But if we can look past the exterior and see what’s inside it’s so damn beautiful. Leading with kindness and love in mind, even when it’s hard. I’ve learned just how incredibly strong and smart and empathetic, and downright fierce I am. I’ve learned an entirely new and deep love for my husband, in a way words can’t describe. I am so damn proud of him. Because of his willingness to fight his instincts and live in the area of kindness and love. Because he’s open to seeing the beauty and it just might change his heart for the better even more. I’ve learned what it truly means to look at someone and such a detailed whole picture, to know every secret there is to know, to know all the bad things but to also see the immense good that is there, and to just let the love surround us and guide us through. Letting love lead.

So this crazy twisty wind-y story of mine isn’t over, far from it. I don’t know the ending yet, but I know that all of these characters that make up my crazy, messy, blended times I don’t even know how many times anymore family, will be in my story until the very end.

“Silent night. Holy night. All is calm. All is bright.”

where it gets twisty-er...

 As if all of the other things in alllll of this aren’t weird enough, I go and do what I do best...make it weirder. That’s my specialty, apparently.

Oooof. Ok. Putting my husband back in touch with his best friend/former (and again to be current?) lover, I also had a long heart to heart with his best friend. And it gave me a ton of insight. And how right now they both really, really need each other.

Over the last several months I have developed an incredibly close friendship with a woman and it has recently become a very strong attraction to each other on both our parts, not by force or anything, just incredibly naturally. We have not acted on anything, merely acknowledged to each other that this is feeling like something more and we are trying to work through that. I’m aware how I’ll advised this is, completely. My eyes are wide open here. But when the heart starts getting involved things start getting really complicated and that is something her and I need to sort out, for everyone’s sakes. The twisty-est part of all of this is that she is my husbands ex-wife.

I KNOW.

But. He created this crazy entanglement of people and circumstances by lying his whole life to everyone around him. The past was always going to catch up with him. We all had to make connections to put all the pieces together. In some ways it all feels like we were pawns in his sadistic game of chess. The dark angry part of me feels that way.

But the connections that happened between all of us in different ways are all authentic, based on a mutual shared past and the blurring of the lines long ago. No one in this situation is holding grudges or acting out of revenge or hate...we are all too old for that.

My husband is all wrapped up in his therapy and reconnecting with his best friend...I’m sort of over here holding all the pieces together. Right now I feel like the glue.

It’s messy and twisted and weird for sure. But this is my life, and I have to find a way through all of this mess, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it may be.

Thank you for everyone following along and leaving these amazing comments. I appreciate the company, support, and love on this crazy ride and wish nothing but the absolute best for all of you. Hopefully you feel the love, because I sure do.

up and downs

 There’s no way any of this was ever going to be smooth sailing. The truth isn’t a magical cure for all the hurt that was caused. It doesn’t erase the feelings of sadness, anger, pain. It doesn’t erase the distrust, the doubts, the fear.

It takes digging very deep within myself to find the courage and strength and love I need to get us through this. And it’s exhausting...I’ve been living in this space for weeks, months now...and I’m so tired.

Sometimes, like right now, it’s all I can do not to just curl up in a ball and cry. To shut the world out and just grieve and cry until I have nothing left. But I don’t have that luxury. And even if I did, I couldn’t because my husband needs me more. I have to be brave and strong for him.

But what happens when I waiver, when I don’t feel strong, or like I can’t emotionally handle much more? What happens when I feel like all these things have broken me, too?

It’s just a phase, it will eventually pass and somehow I will summon the strength to keep going for both of us, until we can both hold our own again.

It’s just that right now I feel like I’m sinking. Who’s gonna save me from drowning?

the truth shall set you free

 Thank you to everyone who is reading and following along with me on this journey. I have felt the strength and love and prayers I have been sent by everyone. I’ve had some very intense experiences with feeling the love and peace and calm and knowing where it came from. But this post isn’t about that.

What happens when you open Pandora’s Box and take a see dive into the past is that sometimes there are truths that pop out that are pieces of information...but it’s like opening an old chest in an attic and sifting through lifetimes worth of stuff that is basically like dumping a 1000 piece puzzle out all over the floor. The pieces are there, but it takes a lot of time to sort the edges from the middle, and the bit of info are so tiny compared to the big picture it can take a while to see what’s supposed to be there when all the pieces are sorted and put back together the right way. But sometimes it takes trying a whole bunch of different pieces to find the ones that click together. Sometimes there are so many pieces that even ones that seems to fit together isn’t always the right pieces in the end.

So that’s what happened...I had all the pieces but they didn’t fit together, even though they seems to at first. I had pieces together that didn’t fit, and the big picture I got still didn’t look the the picture on the box. So I pulled what I had put together all apart and tried to rearrange the pieces so that the true picture became clear.

One I spent my time grieving and writing and hours upon hours of talking it was so obvious that the truth had been sitting right in front of me the entire time, the pieces were just  put together wrong. What snapped me out of it was my old friend who was there the night I met my hubby...she sort of initiated the entire thing. She’s know me over half my life now. She said to me “I’ve know you since you were a 19 year old little brat running around the hospital, and you are one of the strongest people I have ever known, so act like it”. And I was l like “Oh yeah...I am strong. I forgot who’s daughter I was for a second there, but I got it now.” And I took a step back at my puzzle and realized it was all wrong.

The truth that came out because of my unrelenting quest for the truth, and the inability to reconcile the person I knew with the lies he had told, the things he had done. Something wasn’t making sense. I took myself back in time. Remembered everything from the day we met onward. And one thing I kept thinking of is how I’ve looked into my husbands eyes millions of times over 21 years. I’ve seen his soul, especially in those very intimate moments where we are connected as one as we keep our eyes connected...and I remember a sadness I’ve seen come through sometimes, almost a pleasing look in his eyes begging me to know the truth. The night we met and our eyes connected across the bar for the first time, I saw it then to. The pleading in his eyes that said he wanted me to know the truth but that was the only way he could communicate that, he didn’t have the words or if he did he couldn’t say them. And I remember small hints that have been dropped like little Easter eggs in movies where they don’t broadcast them, but really in tune people figure it out and find all the easter eggs, and feel more connected to the movie and walk away with a better understanding of the plot.

We spent hours and hours this week talking. I had switched to night shift this week to help with coverage, and I’ve had such little sleep since last week. Once my friend pulled me out of the darkness and we talked and talked the events of the past and all his little Easter eggs he was leaving me started to Be some revealed, he showed me where they were all hidden. And as it usually is, the truth lies somewhere in between the two extremes of my life.

There were two revelations that are things I had suspected or known a small part about, but not to the extent I needed to in order to understand. People can make us believe what they want if the truth is too hard to face.

The first thing is that when he was 12 one of his stepmothers sexually assaulted him. He never said anything because he was afraid he wouldn’t be allowed to see his dad, who left him when he was a kid, he watched his dad drive away and waited for him everyday at the window for weeks.

2 years after that he met a boy who needed up becoming his best friend and so much more. He told me “I fell in love with him in the biggest way. I didn’t fall in love with him for any other reason but him. I loved him without it being about gender. None of that even mattered.” This continued on in absolute secret until he met me, through all his girlfriends and through his marriage, which was all just a way for him to try to cover for himself, to hide it, to try and forget that he loved someone he couldn’t fully be with, not in the way he wanted. He didn’t know how. And how pressure from his mom and bra mom when he was just 18 to marry this girl, for family optics. He said he knew it was completely wrong and he hated that he felt so trapped. It was all a family cover to prevent people from finding out about his being with another guy, because by that time people were starting to find out and talk about it and they got less and less good at hiding how they felt about each other.

I watched his face change as he recalled the story. He would get a wistful smile when it seems like he was remembering a good memory. But after I searched his face I met his eyes, and I saw all that pain and emotion and bottled up love he held for so many years, trying to deny himself. His lies and coverups started unraveling when he would let loose and tell a story, and hints were sprinkled throughout. But I think the thing that really punched him is that over the last year I have been really working to get back to who o really am. And since the summer, and each season brings even more of this out, but I have been able to be my authentic self again, I found my way back. I’m still rough around the edges but my mental and emotional states have evolved along with me, making me feel like a badass super hero.

“I think that’s amazing.”

That was my reply to his confession. And I smiled at him. It broke my heart to hear his stories, to imagine how painful that must have been for him to have been ever able to tell his best friend and lover how much he loved him. And it was instant, the soaring love I felt for him, the extreme need to wrap my arms around him and protect him. And for the first time in his life he cried over this. I could feel 30 years of sadness leave his body. And I admitted my truth.

That I have never felt like I was enough. Like I wasn’t girly enough for guys to date, but I wasn’t male-like enough to be in a relationship with a woman, either. I just felt like I didn’t fit in. And from the moment I met him, he always made me feel like I was perfect. And he still does.

And I know that it had to happen this way. That we had to tear down every brick and talk about every hard and uncomfortable thing in order for me to finally see his entire truth, the whole picture, with the pieces all fitting neatly into place. I knew exactly how he felt and why everything happened. I filled in words for him when he didn’t have any.

I told him that I think it is amazing and beautiful because he was able to full and freely love, that he has the capacity to love like that. That I would always be his safe place. And he said that I was only the second person who had made him feel like that...the first being his best friend. But they never got to tell each other how they felt.

I know now that it had to be like this. That I had to be strong enough for both of us to find my authentic self again, in order to help him feel ok about his.

A week ago I had told him that it would be a long time before I ever felt like I could be intimate and trusting in that way with him again. And a week ago it felt like the impossible. But a funny thing happens when you let the love and empathy and kindness and compassion shine through, you are rewarded a million times over.

I thought it was going to take a long time for me to feel like I could be close and intimate with him again. But once he revealed his true self to me for the first time, it’s like my whole heart opened wide towards him. And we lay there last night with our bare chest pressed hard together, holding each other tight and staring into each other’s eyes, it was like we were transferring everything we were each  feeling separately and ended up making a big huge love, breaking unconditional love that transcends time and space.

And I know that with my help and strength and love that he is going to be ok. And that now that we are living the full truth with no more lies and guilt and doubt, that there is nothing that we can’t handle and that would ever tear us apart. 

We’re graphene.

That’s what happens when you let love lead. The past has healed the present.

summer

 Quarantine made us closer. We transformed our front porch into this really cool beach scene with real sand and shells we had collected over the summers past, and backdrops, twinkle lights, a small table, 2 beach chairs, and a tiki torch blue tooth speaker. It was our little oasis, the place I couldn’t wait to get back to. Every night for months, once the little kids were in bed we’d meet out in our porch and relax together, bond, talk, laugh, and love. I can’t remember a time when I felt more comfort, love, and safety in one space.

Our relationship was as close to perfect as you can get...it was completely and totally mind bogglingly amazing. I never knew that kind of happiness and love could be achieved, especially in the middle of a year that is upside down and twisted in every way.

I was happy. Really and truly happy. It was like we got to that sweet spot you hear about, where everything falls into place, no one is fighting, everyone is kind and loving and accepting.

It was like living in a real life Schitt’s Creek.

The level of trust and openness we had evolved into something so much greater, into something bigger than the both of us. Our time out there on our beach oasis transcended time and space. Nothing existed during that time except for the two of us. My best friend, my partner in life, my lover. We had it, we were there, we had the moon within reach.

I should have known that it was too good to last. Nothing good ever does, at least not in my life.

When I opened up the box I did it with my eyes wide open, knowing what I might discover could change everything. I knew there was a chance I was imploding my life. But I had to know the truth. I needed to know exactly what happened. I couldn’t live the rest of my life in the dark, not knowing the truth. It would nag at me and nag at me for the rest of my life. This was the only chance I had to know the truth. There are so many questions I have about my paternal grandfather and there is no one left alive who could answer the questions. What little we found online only left a lot more questions, again and no one left to ask.

I systematically tore down my life and everything I thought I knew about my relationship in one fell swoop. But I couldn’t live anymore with the questions, the uncertainty. I still can’t wrap my brain around the fact that 21 years just went up in flames by the match I lit.

Right now I can’t even imagine a time, a way that we could ever reach that level of happiness again. That I could trust him with my person again. That I could trust him as my person again. At no point in 21 years did he feel like he could trust me enough to come clean...I’m not sure what that says about me. All I do know is that I am so far down into this deep dark pit that I can’t see the light yet.

One of the things I told my husband this summer was that he smelled like home to me, that spot that indents on his shoulder where I would always rest my head and take a deep breath of him and feel love, safety, security, and a calmness I’ve never felt before. Now that’s gone and all I feel is sad and empty, scared and alone. I lost my best friend. I don’t know what I am going to do now. Maybe one day I will be able to feel grateful for that time, however fleeting. Right now it just feels like a cruel joke, getting to experience that level of happiness for such a short period of time, enough to know it exists, but that for whatever reason it can’t last, not for me. But as I continue to process and grieve, my mind and heart keep going back to the summer, where for a very brief moment I knew I was going to be ok. That everything was going to be ok. I have no security now. I feel like I’m free falling with no parachute and no net. It feels like I have been falling forever but the journey is only just beginning. But for a moment there, we almost had the moon and stars, and I got a taste of what true contented-ness felt like.

I guess I should be grateful that at least we had the summer.

Learning the truth, finally

 I’m just going to blog through this because honestly, this story is crazy. It’s like something out of a novel, but it’s not, it’s real, and it’s my life. And I have no idea how to even being to process all of this. So I’m just going to start writing, because if I think to much I literally might curl up and die.

The short version is that after 21 years, I have finally learned the truths surrounding my marriage. I have discovered the person I married was not the person he claimed to be. I discovered that our entire relationship has been based on lies and deceit. And I have no idea how to reconcile that with the life I have now. And I am holding a lot of hurt, heartbreak, and anger right now. I’ve cried more tears than I can count. And I have no idea what to do, how to live with my new reality.

I have long had questions or suspicions that something was never quite right with the stories my husband has told me over the years. Things kept changing, timelines didn’t match, he was vague and always tried to play off any questions I had.

When I met him, he was married, but he never told me. We were engaged and pregnant on purpose before I even found out, when we couldn’t plan our own wedding because he wasn’t single. I’m not going to dive back into the specifics because it sucks to relive. Let’s just say it was a very humiliating time in my life, knocked up by a married man. While he had been separated, he was still stringing his wife along, and unbeknownst to be until recently, found out there was overlap where we were both sleeping with him. She didn’t know about me yet, either. I feel sick to my stomach writing this.

He misrepresented himself and made selfish decisions that took away my choices. I would never have talked to someone who was involved in any way with someone else, let alone married. Separated doesn’t cut it for me. He made me an adulterous. He lied to get his way, no matter who he hurt. He also hurt his poor wife. It makes me sick to think that I was manipulated into becoming an adulterer. He told me anything he though I wanted to hear, truth be damned.

That’s just the beginning...I’m pretty sure just about everything he’s ever told me about himself before me is a lie. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. My heart is absolutely broken in half. Everything I thought I knew and believed about my relationship was all a lie. The lies have continued for 21 years now.

Thanks to the year of quarantine we had been spending lots of time together, my husband and I. We talked about all sorts of old memories  and things. It was during these conversations that new inconsistencies started popping out at me, and the more I asked, the different the answers were, things weren’t adding up, timelines weren’t making sense. He was extremely vague about a lot of things and acted like he couldn’t remember.

And then at some point he talked about wanting to find his old group of friends we hung out with when we met. And when I brought up certain people and friends to find, he got really uncomfortable and acted so strange about everything. And he did some other things to sort of push me into this direction...so I started finding people and asking questions. And I got the same accounts from everyone I talked to, except for my husband.

So I confronted him. And he continued to lie until he realized he was backed into a corner.

And then the first thing he said is “should I leave? Am I getting divorce papers in my stocking?”

His first reaction was to run. And I looked him square in the eye and he knew that I finally saw the truth. And I told him I wished I had never met him. And right now that remains true.

I feel so violated and worthless and broken. I feel so fucking stupid. He probably got a good laugh at our expenses joking on how he was screwing different women every night and none of us knew. He preyed on people he thought were vulnerable enough to buy his shit. And we did. And I have wasted 21 years of my life with him. He took so much from me, my pride and dignity being at the top of the list along with all the trust and love I had. It’s gone. I don’t know if I can ever get it back. Manipulating and lying to someone to get them  to be with you isn’t love.

It one fell swoop I lost everything. My husband, my partner, my best friend. But the ends don’t justify the means. You can’t erase 21 years of lies and sweep it under the rug. I can’t live like that.

All I know is that is the day after thanksgiving and I’m sitting out on my porch, all alone, trying to makes sense of all of this, with tears streaming down my face.My heart is shattered into a billion pieces. I have no idea if it’s even fixable. All I know is I’m unwilling to continue living this life based on lies. I don’t know what that means yet, and I don’t know how I am ever going to survive this.

Revisiting the past

 This year I have worked really hard on myself, all aspects of me that needed improvement. Trying to work my way out of a hole of anxiety and depression has taken much introspection and reflecting, and dealing with all the things as they come up, taking it one thing at a time. I’ve also worked very hard this year to project love and kindness and empathy and understanding. That’s been very easy and fulfilling. But the mind can be a dangerous place, and I’ve realized I have a lot of things in my life I have never completely worked through, because I didn’t know how. Some things are decades old but occasionally when triggered I start to remember things, and it triggers bad thoughts and feelings and sometimes I can’t snap out of it that quickly. That’s one thing I’ve noticed about my mental health meds, all precautions, some pharmaceuticals and some natural from the earth meds, that they have been making my brain fire neurons left and right, and my memory is way sharper now than it has ever been. I guess that’s what happens when the fog of depression finally lifts off. Memories from my childhood are so much more vivid, and I remember things that I had forgotten about, or forgot I remembered, and things I read seems to get etched into my brain and I can recall the whole page of text in my head, or at least important things that stuck out at me.

The downside is that it means I remember seemingly everything, the good and the bad, and Incant pick and choose what my brain decides it’s going to remember. Sometimes a feeling of deja vu with immediately bring with it dread and knots in my stomach. The mind is so powerful.

I have realized I can’t really move forward in my healing and having a more peaceful future if I don’t confront my past. And that feels like Pandora’s Box.

Because the one thing from my past that I know I had to face is something that changed the course of my life, and it was something I really didn’t have control over, so I feel like my choice was taken away from me about the direction my life went in. And it’s something that over all these years I have revisited many times, mulling it over and over and then finally deciding to stuff it away again until next time it resurfaces. It’s been in my face for a while now. I can’t ignore it anymore. Am I happy with my life? Absolutely. Would I change it for the world? NO. It’s not about that. It’s about coming to terms with the choices that were taken from me, hopefully understanding the situation more, so that I can finally make peace with it and let it go once and for all. I will be all the better for it.

But. (there’s always a but.) But it’s a little like uncovering some long buried secret. The answers on the other side could also be devastating and life changing. But I have already put the plans in motion. I have no idea if this will even pan out, if I will even get anywhere. There’s a chance I may have to dig for answers. And the answers might be worse than what I’m already imagining, and then that will be another whole thing I guess I will have to work through somehow. But if I want true healing, true wholeness, true peace I have to follow this down to wherever it takes me. They say the only way out is through. Here I go.

The Children We Couldn’t Have

 As my hormones have made apparent, my baby days are over. Not by choice or decision, but by nature. And as more and more baby and maternity gear gets unearthed from its hiding spaces of my closets, being either given friends who will loving use it, or saving for hopefully one day grandchildren...I mean, my eldest is 20 now and I was 22 when I had her.... I’ve been working through a lot of deep thoughts and feelings about this process, struggling of the natural-ness that it’s supposed to be vs the actual mess of hormones and emotions that it actually is. Combined IF and loss into that mix and it’s a lot.

Mel of @strirrup-queens highlighted a post that had a line something to the effect of “we regret the children we did not have, not the ones we do” or something close. And it made me think...

Saying children we DID NOT HAVE somehow implies to me a type of failure. Thinking about the babies I lost, the pregnancies that barely got started, if at all. And more than just mine, but the embryo’s and babies of friends of mine, friends of all of us in the amazing community.

I couldn’t have the babies I wanted...many, many women I know couldn’t have the babies they wanted, many had babies that they couldn’t keep, who went to heaven all too soon. The babies we couldn’t keep.

I am personally opposed to abortion for myself personally, deep in my soul, regardless of religious teachings,, Scientifically, and as a woman in the healthcare profession. But I have many, many friends who have had abortions and I love them without judgement. This isn’t meant to be a political or prolife post, or one meant to stir up any trouble, so haters can go fuck off here.

The Babies We Couldn’t Have.The babies we couldn’t keep.

And I don’t think this has to be a “we regret the...” type of post. People can’t have babies for a million reasons. Not Every creature on this earth can produce and sustain life, even if they were biologically meant to.

My first girlfriend gave up her baby for adoption. We were 18. So many other people have had failed adoptions where they couldn’t keep the baby.

The babies we couldn’t have. the babies we couldn’t keep.

I MOURN the babies I couldn’t have. We mourn for the babies we COULDN’T have. No matter the reason or circumstance.

The babies we couldn’t have, and the babies we couldn’t keep. It sounds so much more inclusive, don’t you think?

🌈

20 years

 

It’s amazing how fast 20 years goes by. I can’t even remember a time when it wasn’t he and I. From being poor newlyweds with our first baby at 22, to secondary infertility, to the loss of grandparents and parents, to job losses, anxiety/depression, tearing down and rebuilding our marriage to the fortress it is now, to infertility and loss again, to celebrating 20 years on July 7th, we have experienced so much together and more importantly, survived and became stronger than ever, together. It literally felt like we walked through fire together at certain points.

I am so proud of how far we have come, and all we’ve learned, and how close we are. Years ago we did a book called The Love Dare and we still use everything we learned to this day. The first chapter is literally “Be Kind”. It’s amazing how it’s the simplest thing but sometimes so hard to remember. We have been living on the principle of being kind, and talk about it everyday with our kids, especially during these crazy times where a smidge of kindness goes a long way. If you start by being kind, things don’t have to become a fight, and rarely do. We still have times where we but heads, but we usually can get through that in a matter of minutes.

This man, he’s the greatest. He even listened and let me cry on our anniversary when my period showed up, and I told him I had been having a recurring baby dream of twins, and in my dreams that helped fill all the baby-shaped holes in my heart. We aren’t even ttc or anything and I’m definitely sub-fertile. I cried that I wished this feeling would leave me, that I don’t know why I can’t let it go. And he said so gently “maybe that’s just who you are.” And I have never felt so safe  or so comforted, or so understood ever in my life. And trust me, he doesn’t really want more kids, but he doesn’t hold it against me from feeling so differently.

Holding on for dear life because this time goes so fast. 2020 has definitely upset the balance in the force, and nothing feels certain anymore. So damn thankful I have such a strong partner to share this life with.

Photo cred: our amazing second daughter, nearly 16. She wants to be a professional photographer and got a new top of the line camera system for her bday. This was shot in her iPhone 7 during an impromptu photo shoot last Friday for my husband’s bday.❤️💜

Pandemic Juxtaposition

 He was our doctor, our co-worker, our comrade, our friend. Such a gentle, compassionate soul, tirelessly leading our Covid units through the madness and uncertainty from the beginning of all this craziness when so much was still unknown. Working in these conditions, all the while knowing he had an autoimmune disease and damaged lungs that would make it extremely hard for him to fight off the virus if he should contract it.

We cared for him for a month...watching Covid weaken him more and more each day. Holding his hand, rubbing his hair, speaking as softly to him as all the PPE allows. Being extra gentle, taking those extra minutes to keep him as comfortable as possible. We do this, of course, for all of our patients, but this time it felt different. Personal.

When it was his time everyone was called in. His husband discarded all of his PPE and held him. We all laid hands on him, praying, coaxing him, letting him know he was loved and safe, helping him return home to The Lord.

*************************************************

Driving home last night, head and heart still heavy from the events of the past couple weeks, traffic started to slow down. From my position I could see a large SUV pulled over on the left shoulder, and then I notice the problem, a dog laying under the car. It looked like his owner was trying to coax him out, but we were on the side of a major roadway...what in the world?? I pulled over and jumped out, asking if it was his dog. Turns out, he stopped because he saw a dog in the road and when he pulled over the dog crawled under his car. She was obviously hurt in some way. Quite quickly there were several people all trying to help, and some angel wearing a Philly Flyers shirt pulled over; he owned a farm and helped rescue dogs, so he grabbed an extra leash and helped us get her out. She was a beautiful golden retriever/German Shepherd mix, with a Shepherd face and coloring on her back, and retriever ears and fluffy fur. We helped to keep her calm and still. There were about 6 police officers that all were  stopped with us, several of us calling Emergency Vets because we didn’t know what would happen. Animal control was called to help. None of us were willing to let her go unless we knew she would get emergent care. Once I realized she was not going to bite, I sat there in the road with her, her leaning on me, petting her. She let me check her out. If you have never owned or knew a GSD, they are so very human like with their eyes and emotions, and they are so very smart. She knew we were helping her, so she didn’t snap or growl or bite, just looked up with those human-like eyes, so trusting. At one point the lead Sergeant said “I would tell you guys you can all go and we will stay with her, but I see you are all invested.” I looked up at her incredulously and said “It’s  a DOG” hahaha. Occasionally I would lower my mask so the dog could see my whole face. She wanted to lay down more, but you could tell it hurt her. From what we could see, she had a small cut on her eye and the top of her head, it looked like she may have bit her tongue, one of the front paw nails was bleeding, and she obviously had a hurt back leg. At one point we realized we had her blood on our hands, but everyone just shrugged and said it was just dog blood and no one worried. Finally animal control came. They had a little doggy stretcher that we helped her get settled on and carry to the van, once we were assured that she was going to a local Emergency hospital, one I know and have used so I felt better about that knowing she was about to get help. One lady gave her her own jacket we had Been using as a blanket/pillow, thinking the smell of those that helped her would help calm her on the ride. Several people took live videos and pictures and put them on Facebook, hoping to find her owner, as her tags were missing on her collar. I’m hoping she is microchipped. I’m going to check the shelter in the days and weeks ahead to see if she comes up for adoption. I don’t even know the names of any of those kind humans I spent the majority of my evening with. As I left the scene, I thanked everyone for helping and working together.

As I drove away I cried. Everything from the last few weeks came crashing down. Sometimes all the medical advances in the world can’t save a human, but a few people can come together and save a dog.

Sometimes, it’s all you can do.

Wanting something I never thought I wanted

As a little girl growing up, I never dreamed of a wedding or of being married and having a family. I guess I just assumed I would? but I never had all those kinds of fantasies. It wasn’t that I had a bad experience...I grew up in a stable two parent Brady bunch type family. I loved kids and babies...I was always the one who wanted to hold any new baby I saw. I started babysitting early, and had tons of experience with children of all ages.

I never imagined having my own child, though. Not really ever. And then once in highschool it was definitely the thing you did not want to end up having. I can remember that some girls talked about wanting to have a baby right after graduation, and I remember thinking it was nuts. I thought it was nuts when we saw teenage girls we knew pregnant, and then all around town toting a baby in a stroller. I couldn’t even picture my life like that. I tried to imagine once what it would be like if I got pregnant, and man...it just didn’t even seem like the thing to do, maybe ever. I remember when the first of our small circle of girls from my highschool got married right after we graduated and had a baby right away...when we met at one friends house all dressed to go out one night, the girl who had the baby stopped by to see us and we all sat in a circle around her with the baby in the middle of the floor. She was about 6 months old at the time. We all stayed at her like she was an alien, and ooohed and ahhhed over her for a few minutes and then we had nothing to talk about, and sort of rolled out and left her with the baby, because as Resse Witherspoon said “You can’t bring a baby to a BAR”...lol

I remember another time in highschool during some complete joke of a life skills class (even we could tell back then how much of a joke it really was) we had to plan a wedding, so the vision board and everything. I remember all these girls getting so into it, and I was so...not. I remember making up a small portion of it and otherwise creating a very hippie wedding held in the mountains on my older brothers property (that part is true, this place does exist and my brother does live there) and spending like $2K... HA. The hippie part still tracks today, fyi.

So yeah. Never on my radar, these motherly things. When it came to my own wedding, after trying in several different styles of a wedding, we eloped to Reno, NV at Silver Bells wedding chapel. I still don’t regret it. And I’ve seen friends and coworkers plan these crazy weddings and it’s all so much...so I’ve always joking told my girls they should just elope one day. But in all seriousness, I highly recommend it, and it doesn’t have to be a secret...we told everyone in advance. (Don’t worry, we had a teeny tiny (not an exaggeration) Church ceremony in the chapel a couple years later to appease my dad, but we wanted to anyway, that was always the plan.)

But I had the instinct, I always have. I was a nanny for my sister all
through middle and highschool.  I took care of them when there was one, then 2, then 3, and then one day all four of them. And I loved them and treated them like they were my own kids. (I still do.) My niece, the second oldest, is the most like me and the one who I understand because she’s so misunderstood just like I am. She’s now almost 27, and going to be married this year (hopefully everything can happen as tentatively planned but I’ve offered to get a certification and marry them if it comes down to it)

She was able to drive to her parents state where the wedding will be to do wedding planning stuff. Today they Said Yes to a Dress and sampled all the food. She (and my sister) we’re sending me pictures throughout the day, and the first one that popped up was the one of my beautiful niece in THE dress...and I cried so many tears. I am so happy for her. I can’t believe my baby niece is going to be a wife soon...and it made me so wistful. And then the pictures of the food and the people during the tasting...first, I was WAY jealous because catering food always looks SO amazing with surprises in the flavors and textures...but what really got me was imagining them all sitting there together at the table, and how my goofball brother in law would be telling corny dad jokes and “critiquing” the food like some sort of food network expert, and I could picture the dumb faces he was making and I could hear the laughter of everyone and all the silly loving barbs going back and forth.

And I realize that I want that with my kids. That I want them help to plan a ceremony to join them together with the love of their life, their soul pate, their forever person. I thought about cool it would be, knowing the kind of crazy family we are and how we laugh and joke together, how that would be so much fun to do. And I surprised myself by telling everyone as I showed them pictures how I would be down with planning a wedding, a small intimate one, not some crazy 300 person waste of money party.

And I realized how I’ve always been so preoccupied with wanting another baby and grieving my lost babies and trying for more babies...how I have these babies here that aren’t babies. I’m being dramatic here, of course I notice they are growing older and up. But I guess through this pandemic where time has seemingly stood still, I’ve been able to breathe in and take a look around me, and really study hard, like a sculptor would, at the beings in front of me. To memorize every part of them, to freeze their voices in time in my mind. To freeze their faces exactly as they are today, to burn and etch them into my memory. And it’s also reminding me to be present, all the time. To not miss a beat, a single drop in tone of voice, to all of it. To check in even more (so, like all the time) because this is a challenging time for them to, mentally, physically, emotionally. Only they don’t always know where to put it or how to handle it. Neither to most of us, right?

So back to that food tasting? I really hope I get lucky enough to sit around a table sampling food and making jokes with my kids one day.

MicroBlog Monday’s: I’m alive

Hi Friends. I’m alive. I think somewhere along the line I have gone into survival mode. I still read your blogs, even though I’ve been quiet...most days I don’t have the mental energy left to write anything meaningful , although thank you to all who have been writing, because your words have all touched me or helped me in some way.

Working as a first line frontline healthcare worked has been...crazy. Exhausting, mentally more than physically. Watching family members and friends having to drop their sick ones off at the door is gut-wrenching to witness. It’s all so sad and scary. Before this had all started I extended my days/work hours, and I wish I had waited. It’s SO hard right now. And then coming home and trying to be all the things to everyone in my household, and keep us stocked and fed, and entertained, and also trying to teach?! Whoa.

Real life is so different...every aspect is stressful. It’s very hard to find enough peace and quiet to de-stress. I’ve ended up staying up til all hours of the morning and then being tired the next day and it’s a whole cycle.

One amazing thing to come out of all this time together is that my husband and I have never had a stronger, better relationship than we do now. Super fitting for our 20th anniversary coming up and our 21st year together. He has truly been my anchor the past few months. I’m just so very thankful for him and our marriage. Because we’ve definitely had our share of hard years.

I’m going to end this here for now. Picture post to come soonish about things we’ve been up to. I hope you are all well and staying as sane as possible and are finding ways to take care of yourselves. Please remember we are all doing the best we can here. Whatever you are doing...just know it’s enough. Stay safe. Wishing you all peace. Until next time.

The big bad C word used to be Cunt.

This is a speech-to-text style spoken diary edition. It is poorly edited, and long, so I hope all your out there are pretty good at deciphering through speech to text. This is probably as inside my head as you'll ever get. This documents the first full week of the pandemic, but does jump around to just before all hell broke lose as needed for story telling purposes.

So it’s been exactly one week into a pandemic of the coronavirus or Covid 19 as we call it in healthcare, at least for me since I was working the very first weekend that everything sort of started so I wasn’t cooped up with my kids until a week ago Monday. And I shouldn’t say cooped up except for the first day Monday which of course was a nice day out but we had three people in the yard so we couldn’t let dogs nor kids out to play which was sort of crazy and away because we had a lot more I’ll try to kiss and I wanna everybody was sort of cranky And done with things by the end of that day. I can’t remember Tuesday or Wednesday as a sort of plan together but I decided to throw myself into something and start baking from a book called bread baking for beginners.

But before I get too far in the last week let me go back in entire week from that the week before the pandemic really started in school started closing. Before that I had largely ignored all of the talk of the coronavirus and the pandemic like I avoided the news I didn’t talk about it I didn’t learn much about it and I didn’t think much about it mainly because of my anxiety I didn’t need something else to get ramped up on but also I tend not to jump on the bandwagon when people start first posting things and sharing through Facebook it’s sort of drives me nuts. Anyway around the same time the Sunday Monday time frame of a week before the pandemic or the week of the ramp up of the pit is my son my son who is 14 and growing by the second was complaining that there wasn’t any good food and snacks to eat since especially on the weekends he likes to stay up late and eat it all random hours and he likes to make things that are hot and not just eat you know crap out of the cabinet so I have literally made a $600 Walmart pick up order with like every snack imaginable they make it really easy with the click click click to check off the boxes of stuff you might need our stuff in the same area so I was already stocked up I set my teenager the next day on Monday to pick it up I believe it was Monday evening and they filled up her entire car with groceries and she was like oh my God mom what did you do she called me yelling at me it was really really funny. So we were already really stocked and then all of a sudden Tuesday Wednesday Thursday came school started closing things went crazy in three hours I had like 36 emails from all the various schools and teachers and organizations were part of with all the cancellations and people started going crazy at the stores luckily I had most of what I needed so we were good there and I went to work on the weekend just prepping for the upcoming pandemic laughing about the fact that I did a grocery order when I had no idea I was gonna need one.

Back to last week and days two and three and four of the kids being home from school I pulled out my bread book for beginners and decided on the Monday after the first day home that I was going to do a sour bread sourdough bread starter well it’s the master recipe of a print book for beginners book that the office is Jenna Fischer has recommended and document it on her Instagram how she started from page 1 of the book all the way through because you build on techniques and recipes and stuff like that as you go in the book and my dumbass opens to the master sourdough recipe and probably start it which I was supposed to be starting sourdough bread tonight which is next Monday night however that’s not happening. On Tuesday I finally managed to get sourdough starter started I also this week and like I said it all runs together made a Challah bread it’s my first ever bread I’ve ever attempted and of course apparently I inadvertently picked up bread that was an enriched dough which is supposedly harder to make. It came out pretty good and nobody in my household has had Challah bread before so we googled what we it was supposed to taste like and it matched what my middle daughter said it tasted like so that was a win. I also did some special adult baking...

By Thursday I realized I probably needed to get out of the house for a couple hours so I found a couple little errands to run that kept me away from the public. I dropped off some homemade treats to friends and hung out a little bit. I’m glad I did that because after being at work for only a short time this weekend I realized that I couldn’t have gone from being kind of home all day long baking in my own little world with my kids and family to the real world of what was actually going on around me.

Friday night we all just kind of hung out here it was super warm so we played outside lake all day long I even broke the rules on Mondays play inside of the one van that has all the seats tucked in to the floor it’s the older van it’s inside is real dirty so it’s not like they’ll Hurt much. Course of course I’m washing them very carefully. Well aware that my son is for those how to start one of the vans by putting in the key and turning the ignition. Which she did right in front of me with me standing right next to him. So yes I watch my kids super super carefully because I know what they are capable of.

All week long I had kept checking my work email for updates on what was going on. If you think you were confused about what was going on by just being a regular average citizen with a regular normal job then we had healthcare were like five times as confused because even though we had some inside information the situation was so fluid by the time orders from the top trickle down things were already changing. So I knew it walking into work on Saturday was going to be a big crapshoot I had no idea what to expect or who was going to be there. I have been texting on and off with my supervisor all week about the situation And was making sure I stayed in her thoughts because they tend to forget about us on the weekend. I kind of demanded what I thought we might need and reminded her to take things seriously especially when she was trying to cut hours on the weekend at first right before all this blew up and I demanded that we needed the help in a certain time and that I didn’t agree with what she was doing and she shouldn’t do it I speak up to her all the time and we butt heads a lot we don’t really get along we’re not the same people I haven’t trusted her since the first time I met her at work my very first impression will be the one that always sticks with me and make sure I keep I keep her in a certain distance and no her game but I’m also not afraid to call her out on her stuff. So I managed to make it to work about 15 minutes early Saturday morning which was great because I was really kind of dreading going in the first place I wish I could just be like a regular ordinary person I got to stay home all weekend with the kids I know grass is always greener but it just felt like I shouldn’t be there they goodness I had my good eye crew with me and during breakfast one of our other girls called to talk and we’ve all been keeping in touch.
anyway work at a hospital in the middle of a pandemic is interesting it’s something I can’t say I’ve ever done before really. I mean I used to work in trauma so if there was like some big accident or something locally we would be the first people to get it so we were kind of on the not the front lines but definitely like the second lions. Space but this feels totally different there’s a lot more chaos than I ever anticipated I always assumed that something like that There was a cop or something like this like the world health organization or the state and local governments has some sort of like master disaster plan for something like this cause that’s sort of what it is it’s a mass crisis like where is all the protocols why is everything so insane crazy and nobody knows anything other countries I’ve been dealing with this for weeks now why are we following with air doing it’s also confusing. Crazier to think that like my mom who is in her small early 70s has never seen anything like this like in almost 3/4 of a century nobody has seen anything like this it’s just unbelievable the phrase I keep using to describe this is these are weird times and they really really are so throughout work on Saturday it was a little nuts. Lots of sweet passages you Jean but then lots of periods of time in between patients was this year he sort of silence because the visitor policy is locked down you can’t even take a Doula or any support staff with you and do the labor room to have your baby you can have like the baby daddy or a support partner of yours and that’s it I’ve heard the doors are using FaceTime to help their patients through labor which is wonderful but horrible at the same time so throughout the day I started noticing things that were bothering me about the way we were running things with the way things were going and I saw quickly some improvements that can be made. But I’m just a tech knowledge so I don’t have a say I’m not a supervisor officially or a paid supervisor so I do not make the decisions so lo and behold I did talk to a couple of managers that day which was nice that they were calling to check on us but what really surprised me was the text I got at about 845 Saturday night after I’ve been home for like maybe an hour to my boss immediately above me I guess my supervisor who asked me how the day went and I had been relaxing and I had taken my relaxation medicine andI ended up texting her but I thought that needed to be made and she asked me to put it in an email and then so I did on Sunday morning and when she got the email I asked her what she thought because my other boss her said they totally agreed with me and this particular supervisor told me that my email was “extremely opinionated just as I suspected it would be “ . So I had to laugh at that but I have my other managers agree with me made me feel really good. So that brings us to Sunday which was another crazy chaotic day with more of the same. The busyness and flurry at one time and then the long laws of Erie quiet both days I felt my anxiety building during those walls I don’t know why. Sunday night when I finally got home I made a huge list of reminders for today Monday. One I knew was to my doctors because not only was I do up in a few days for a refill of my one anxiety medicine but I knew I was starting to have more issues with anxiety cropping up over all of this.

I’m going to be honest about something else. I have five kids and all of them are home except for the oldest who is in an out because she works but three of them are school-age. And I really haven’t enforced any schoolwork really over the past week. For one there was so much going on every single day so much changing so fast so much stuff with my work and my husband’s work and the kids and groceries and just craziness and just trying to keep all these people under one roof with not a lot to do. Well not a lot to do with the dramatic and very overstated I guess what I mean is to have everybody all the sudden halt all of their activities and everything going on and have those entire schedule basically disrupted. We allowed some later night boys and some lazier mornings for everybody and in general it’s not been too terrible. I mean I’ve kind of set the bar really low for myself during all of this especially considering my anxiety is up. I really need to pick and choose my battles and not try to be a super mom. A good enough mom is good enough for me. At least right now. Faking it till I make it we’re all just trying the best we can however that is. I included my kids and crafts and baking and I went on an Amazon shopping spree for a bunch of inexpensive do you were different crafts and puzzles that we haven’t used or tried for all of us thank goodness for Jeff Bezos what a smart smart rich rich man. Of course my husband is much more patient and has a different way with the kids so he was able to get some schoolwork done over the weekend while I was working. I was also jealous they got to go to the reservoir and throw rocks but he took them to a different spot and I know which is cool because then I have a spot that I take them special and he has a spot that he takes them I’m hoping we get a good day this week that I can take them because it’s really good for all of us. And I told my husband I might not have done traditional schooling with the kids but we did a lot of different things my middle daughter has been doing baking and experimenting because she had just started foods class at school which was like basically cooking class.Of course my husband is much more patient and has a different way with the kids so he was able to get some schoolwork done over the weekend while I was working. I was also jealous they got to go to the reservoir and throw rocks but he took him to a different spot than I know which is cool because then I have a spot that I take them special and he has a spot that he did some I’m hoping we get a good day this week that I can take them because it’s really good are all of us. And I told my husband I might not have done traditional schooling with the kids but we did a lot of different things my middle daughter has been doing baking and experimenting because she had just started a Foos class at school which was like basically cooking class. 14-year-old son is getting a lesson in humanitarian arts because on Tuesday Wednesday I don’t know I can’t remember now but one day last week I had to go and check on all of the neighbors and the people that we knew and just see if they needed anything and chat with people and we spent a couple evenings that were nice last week chatting with neighbors from my driveways and letting the kids sort of play near each other I’m just discussing what we thought and what was next.

By Sunday night though I was thoroughly stressed out. I was so sick of hearing all about the coronavirus I was scaring about press conferences I was sick of hearing about closures and just all of it being at the hospital all those hours this weekend just in the chaos really stressed me out. I kept saying that I think once the system is in place and everybody is doing the same thing and all the units are doing the same thing that it’ll be easier even though will probably have a lot more patience and the load will be heavier just because it will be more of an organized chaos versus just mad chaos.I was thoroughly stressed out. I was so sick of hearing all about the coronavirus I was scaring about press conferences I was sick of hearing about closures and just all of it being at the hospital all those hours this weekend just in the chaos really stressed me out. I kept saying that I think once a system is in place and everybody is doing the same thing and all the units are doing the same thing that it’ll be easier even though will probably have a lot more patience and the load will be heavier just because it will be more of an organized chaos versus just mad chaos

Monday morning I got to sleep in just a smidge which was great I was able to not get anything done because my boys were crazy funny enough my husband said they were great all weekend and he had a feeling my four-year-old was going to be hell on wheels the next day because he had to really really good days in a row and he started to really show his stubborn personality lately. So they were wild and it was really super crazy around here. I did get to convince my six-year-old to do a “science experiment “ Putting some yeast in warm water and the sugar and the song I am in the flower and we mix everything together and made like a ball of dough and then we did the rising to risings and then he got to play with it it was an adult I mean it was edible but it was an edible and he didn’t like the dog color he wanted food coloring so fun mommy lets him put food coloring all over the Dow and he played with it. We also got big canvases out and made big plates of paint and rainbow fashion and let the kids just paint anything they wanted I think I still have some handprints in my bathroom don’t worry it’s all washable. We also looked at toys on Amazon not toys like you’re going to get toys like puzzles and things like that and I showed him some things that I picked up. I ordered some cool new stuff that I’m excited about I’ve been therapeutic shopping I don’t know if I mentioned that earlier I probably did but I have lots of Amazon packages I’ve gotten several new shirts I’m going to try to post pictures of everything before I in this post so there’s lots to look at.

So I was able to get a few phone calls made And I have a an appointment scheduled for 315 with my doctor it was a virtual will call through the website that you use. So that was interesting I jump in the shower about 15 minutes before my phone call was supposed to start hurried up and got dressed tried to take a couple sexy pictures for my husband (so that’s a post for another time but needless to say our intimacy and sex has been off the charts lately so I do stuff like this for him now because it’s for both of us, really.!!)

During my virtual chat with my doctor it was cool it was basically FaceTime. I keep asking people I know if they’ve tried it and nobody has but I highly recommend it. I was honest with her and I support her how I was struggling with the anxiety over the weekend and I talk to her about a lot of reasons. I actually apologized to her for using her like my therapist explained that I understood she wasn’t my therapist but That I really appreciated her listening. So she upped my dose of medicine by 10 mg and I’m going to check in with her in a few weeks. It wasn’t all bad stressful stuff though I did tell her a lot of good things and how good I was feeling right up until like this pandemic started like a week and a half ago. But I also told her that feeling better myself and wanting to talk more has helped me talk to my family more so one of the things my extended family with my sister and all of her kids and my sister side of the family have done is make a Family Quarantine Chat send information because We are all in different areas and we’re trying to keep each other in check and check on people. I also went through my phone and started texting people that I’ve owed a text to and I haven’t talk to you in a while and checked on them. And it’s opened up some new conversations I am really just reminded everybody that we’re all in this together we’re not alone. And it’s really been great to be closer to my family and like talk to my sister every day again we used to talk every day for years and years and years. So Monday tonight marks a week of being in a sort of hibernation. Lockdown doesn’t sound right because we’re not like forced to stay in doors and we have quite a bit of freedom considering. My coworker friend and I decided since we’ve been around each other we may as well try to meet up and go to the store so tomorrow Tuesday morning we are meeting up we are going to do a Trader Joe’s quick Sleep through the store and he’ll be out in 20 to 30 minutes and then go around the corner to the Costco and see what we can get there for our families and parents. And then be done and not go out again.
My middle daughter and I are watching the show Zoe‘s extraordinary playlist. It comes on NBC and it’s an amazing show. We watch it together it records on Sunday nights so we were able to watch it tonight.
Another really great thing is that my nephew who is like 28 years old and completely crazy in the best way possible takes these mental health check in videos he post them to Facebook and YouTube if you’re curious I think his YouTube is Mr. JT slide MRJSlide.. he’s really goofy but these mental health check and videos are priceless. They crack me up I’ve shared them with my friends and coworkers it’s just one of the best things. What we’ve decided is that we just need to laugh through it and support each other through it and pray or meditate or exam good vibes out or whatever your thing is just do it. For goodness sake stay inside and listen to your authorities because we all matter and we need to get through this together.

Going to leave you one last thought. It’s about hugs. It’s been a topic of conversation lately between my husband and I and I’ve included some of my kids too. But I come from an affectionate family and we hug and kiss and I don’t know probably way longer than it’s appropriate but I am we’re Italian and that’s what we do and even my mom side of the family everybody’s very huggy and what not and she’s an Irish might mix so yes I am Sicilian and Irish. Anyway my coworkers and I are all very close and we also affection and we all hug and I have a work husband and I take care of all the guys and I hug people male and female whatever we hug. But I come from an affectionate family we hug and kiss and I’m in a probably way longer than it’s appropriate but I am we’re Italian and that’s what we do and even my mom side of the family everybody’s very huggy and what not and she’s an Irish might mix so yes I am Sicilian and Irish. Anyway my coworkers and I are all very close and we also affection and we all hug and I have a work husband I took care of all the guys and I hope people male-female whatever we hug. And ever since I can remember I have always love getting hugs like big strong bear hug and when I got older I started liking when you hug somebody so tight and you pressure whole body into them and they just envelop you in the hug. I don’t know it just always made me feel so safe and protected. So that’s the way I have people now and I always get a good reaction from people and I hold a hug for a few extra seconds I’m really just squeeze the other person and kind of transfer the luck. This may sound crazy probably is but this is how I think. And my husband is a foot and a half taller than me and so hugging me like that isn’t super possible and in general he is not as much of an affectionate person as I am and I have to kind of nuts him to remind him to give you know our kids like really good hugs showed him with my daughter as my middle daughter and Hunter and showed him how to give a really good hug. And I have a few coworkers are dummy that my hug is the best part of their day. Not in a sexual way but just in a feel good way. And there’s tons of science around you no touch in the kangaroo and we all know that we know the benefits of it. But here’s my proof.

Today Monday, 23 March my boys were being exceptionally crazy and by 1115 1130 I realized that my four-year-old was seeming like he needed a nap just overly whiny cranky couldn’t get him to do any one thing a lot of like pouting from him a lot of tears when he would start playing for lots of nonsense. He had been snacking all morning so I know and he ate a good breakfast so I know he was most likely just tired because yes we’ve also been frantically checking everybody’s fevers at home do you know most of us have been quarantined at home for a week now. By about 1215 1230 when I decided I was going to start making lunch I realize he was just falling apart way too much so I got my middle daughter to come down and hang out with six-year-old and I took my little four-year-old upstairs and he kept crying that he followed me up the steps but he kept crying that he didn’t want to sleep and I said we were just going to cuddle we’re just gonna cut or just gonna cut a little bit and sure enough after he let me pick him up and lay down with him in the bed which is getting hard to do because he’s kind of thick is he calm down his breathing changed he settle down and me he held my hand He never truly fell asleep but his whole physiology changed. Same with my oldest she’s 19 but she had a hard day last week a whole lot of things just came crashing down one day and she just was a mess my middle daughter saw her run to the basement to her room and said what is wrong with her and I said I know what she needs and I went and laid down and I cuddled with her and she fell asleep on my arm and she was breathing exactly the way she did when she was a baby and she would fall asleep with her leg she expressed together in our lips open he never truly fell asleep but his whole physiology changed. Same with my oldest she’s 19 but she had a hard day last week a whole Lotta things just came crashing down one day and she just was a mess my middle daughter saw her run to the basement to her room and said what is wrong with her and I said I know what she needs and I went and laid down and I cuddled with her and she fell asleep on my arm and she was breathing exactly the way she did when she was a baby and she would fall asleep with her leg she expressed together and her lips open. But her whole physiology changed too.

So my point is hug the people you love hug them very tight look out for one another right now like Alan says behind there’s an end to this I don’t know what it is yet but there is an end. Let’s just see what tomorrow brings.


And now, for pictures...



                                                               my witches brew butter

                                                                        little helper.

                                             special apocalypse cookies before and after

                                           funny things from amazon that keep me laughing

                                              my ridiculous nephew and his crazy videos

                                 my moms banana cake recipe i made with lots of ripe bananas

                                                Day 1 of my very first sourdough starter

                      My first Enriched bread. Challah Bread. Actually, my first bread ever.

                  a sneak peak of my new tattoo, a work of love. story and unedited pic to come.

                                my sister's amazing breakfast she shared on our family chat.

                                                   someone else makng corned beef,

                                        my nephew's survival tex-mex dinner. not a joke. lol

                   a couple funny memes that have come through my family chat this week.

                                                          falling gas prices in the US

                                                    trying to fall asleep one night.

                                                             more amazon shenanigans

                 the first baked Foccoccia attempt. good but adjustments being made for next try.

                                                              local stores wiped out

                            a makeshift menu so as not to waste leftovers and utilize frozen foods,

                                one of my Apocalypse PB cookies I shared with some friends.

                                   my first try at Foccoccia since my Dad has been gone.